Second Shot at Love
by Wirtingforthesoul
Summary: Two years after a failed wedding, a very different Carmen meets Shane again. Not many things deserve a second chance but love is one of the few that do. Will they give it a chance?
1. An Addict

**Disclaimer: I do not own anyone from the L Word**

**A/N: This is my first shot at an L Word story, let me know if I should continue or not, it's only worth it if you guys like it :) Love forever and always.**

**Second Shot at Love**

"Fuck!" My skins on fire, I can't breathe...Fuck this Goddamn shirt won't come off fast enough. I hear the sound of the buttons on my top falling to the ground in the distance; I throw my shirt down as fast as I can.

My body's shaking as I step into the shower, I can barley stay up right. I turned on the shower with a shaking hand and make sure that its ice cold. I stood under the shower head and let the water soak me and the clothing I still had on.

Soon I felt my body began to cool down, I slid down the wall of my shower and pulled my hair tie out with a still shaking hand; though now I can't tell if it's from the cold water or withdrawal . I pull my knees up to my chest and put my head between them, I could feel the nausea build up.

I dragged myself out of the bathtub; I couldn't fight the nausea anymore. I moved to the toilet and threw, whatever little I had in my stomach, up. Withdrawal's a bitch.

"Carmen?" I hear a voice yell, it's my roommate Jessica Harper. I hear his footsteps get closer over my retching. "Shit Carmen" He kneels down beside me and pulled my hair back. "You're shaking so much" He rubs my back.

Finally I'm done throwing my guts up, I lean back into him and ran a hand over my face. He moves me gently and leans me against the wall by the sink, I watch Jess as he turns the shower off.

"How much did you do?" He asked me as he kneeled down again, I leaned back not answering his question. "Carmen" He makes me look at him. "How much did you do?"

"What time is it?" He let out a sigh before looking down at his watch.

"6:36" I nodded and began to stand up, with Jessie's help.

I moved to the sink and began to wash my mouth out.

"In the morning I did a few bumps of coke and later I shot up and then I think I passed out" I said with a small laugh.

What can I tell you, my name's Carmen Morales and I'm an addict...I moved back to West Hollywood after two years of getting away from it all I moved back...What the hell was I thinking. I started the drugs about three years ago, after...after my life got turned upside down and haven't stopped since...How am I alive? Good question.

"You need to stop doing this crap" I nodded, he's right I needed to stop this shit...Doesn't mean I'm going to.

"Look, as much as I would _love_ to argue about this and I really would, but I need to go lie down because everything is spinning" I put my hand on his shoulder and leaned on him to emphasize my point.

"Alright, come on" He helped me to my bedroom and into bed. "I'm going to make you something to eat" I nodded before he left the room.

I made sure he was out of the room before I turned over and opened the bedside drawer, I pulled out a miniature bottle of vodka, 24%, I chugged it back without a though.

Oh did I forget to mention that I was an alcoholic? Well that fall's under addict doesn't it?

"Do you want eggs?" I pulled the bottle away from my lips before answering.

"No, it's too filling" I put my head back against the pillow and dropped the bottle, feeling the alcohol kick in. "Just coffee and toast"

"Alright" He walked back into the room with the toast. "Here" I sat up and took it from him.

He moved to my closet and began to scan through.

"What are you doing?" I asked, trying my best to keep the slur out of my voice.

"Well you can't lie there with wet clothes, here wear these" He tossed short shorts at me and a tank top. "I'll be back with your coffee" I got out of the bed with a struggle and struggled even more to change.

It's times like this when I realize that I need to clean up, I'm just not willing to that high is just too good.

"Can I come in?" I sat down on the bed before answering.

"Yeah" He walked in and passed me the coffee, before taking a seat beside me. "Thank you" I said before taking a sip of the coffee. "So, did you come here to check up on me or...?" I trailed off.

"No, I actually had a couple of reasons" He got comfortable before continuing. "Well, I wanted you to be the first to know that I'm engaged" I turned and looked at him in shock.

"Oh my God, you finally asked her?" I stood up and placed the coffee mug down on the desk, turning back to Jessie.

"Yes" He said with a smile as he stood up as well.

I pulled him into a hug and felt my eyes tear up, Jessie and his girlfriend Elena had been going out for forever and I know how happy she makes him. I couldn't be happier for him. Maybe I should warn him thought, that day might not turn out the way he thinks it will.

"Congratulations" I said as I pulled back.

"Thank you, it's been a long time coming" I nodded, he looked away and suddenly everything got serious. "It's in a year, that much we know, and we both want you there" Okay, I know where this is going. "You need to clean up, please I love you and I don't want to lose you"

"Okay" I said with a small smile.

"Okay?" I nodded again.

"What's the other reason?" I changed the subject quickly; we've had this conversation for the last three years.

"I talked to your mom" Oh fuck me.

My mother, my Mexican very catholic mother, was someone who didn't approve of my lifestyle, I'm talking about the drugs of course; it didn't turn out well when she walked in on me snorting coke. That was a year ago in New York and I haven't heard from her since, the last thing she said to me was 'Your father must be rolling in his grave because of what you've become' I was too high to give a fuck.

"What did she want?" I crossed my arms and sat back down; I have to admit I felt a hell of a lot better with that vodka in my system.

"Sunday family dinner" I let out a laugh.

"Bullshit" He shook his head.

"No, she wants you there" I looked at him before shaking my head and looking away.

"No, she wants to know if I'm off drugs" He ran a hand through his short hair and shook his head.

"She cares about you Carmen" I scoffed and rolled my eyes.

"She stopped caring the second she saw me doing blow" He gave me a small shrug.

"Who's fault was that?" That pissed me off; I stood up and got in his face.

"Fuck you!" His face scrunched up, and then his eyes moved away from mine and to the bedside table.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me" He moved passed me and bent down, he stood up holing the bottle with him. "Are you serious?" I looked away and ran a hand through my hair. "You need to stop doing this shit or you're going to end up dead!"

"Why do you care, we've known each other what? Six months?" He looked at me as if I just slapped in the face.

"Fuck it, I'm done with this" He walked passed me and began to leave my room. "You want to die? Fine, I'm done trying to save you" He walked out of the room.

"I never asked you to save me" His answer was slamming the door.

I grabbed the mug that contained the now cold coffee and headed to the kitchen; I poured out the coffee into the sink and made my way to the fridge. I pulled out a bottle of Russian Vodka and poured into the cup, half way. This is my salvation, this is what Shane has done to me.


	2. Hit DJ

**Disclaimer: I do not own anyone from the L Word**

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews and encorugement I really love knowing what you guys think, thank you! Love forever and always.**

**SHANE POV**

"Shane?" Jenny called from the doorway before walking into my room.

"Yeah?" I asked as I looked up from the book I was reading.

"I'm throwing away some clothes; do you have anything you want throw out?" I sat up in my bed and thought it over.

"Uh, I don't think I have anything I want to throw out" I moved to the edge of the bed. "I guess I could take a look though, do you want to help me?" Jenny nodded and opened up my closet.

She started scanning through the closet, after a moment she picked out a shit and turned to me.

"Paige?" I let out a small laugh at the look on her face.

"Oh God" I shook my head at the memories of that relationship or whatever the fuck it was.

"Tossing it" I nodded as she through it to the ground, she continued to go through some more clothes. "Do you still wear this farmer Joe shirt?" She asked with a small laugh.

"Yes and Molly really likes it" She gave me a shrug before putting it back into the closet.

"Oh shit, this used to belong to that Beverly Hills house wife" She held up the next shirt. "Uh...Something Jaffe?" I nodded.

"Right, Cherie Jaffe" She gave me a small nod before letting it drop.

"Hey, anyone home?" I heard Molly call from the front of the house.

"In here!" I heard her footsteps near my room, when she entered I got up and pulled her into a hug. "Hi"

"Hi" She pulled away from the hug and kissed me. "What's going on?" She asked after seeing the shirts on the floor and Jenny looking through my closet.

"I'm throwing out some of Shane's old clothes" Molly nodded at her before turning to give me a look; I shrugged with a small smile.

"She's helping me" Molly nodded again.

"Oh wow" We both looked over at Jenny and she pulled out three t-shirts. "Carmen"

I felt my heart drop at the name, I stared at the t-shirts and the memories of Carmen wearing them came back. I saw Jenny begin to drop them and I rushed over to her, grabbing them from her.

"No, no I want a memory of her...However small" I put the shirts back into my closet.

"The tattoo on the back of your neck isn't a big enough memory?" I snapped my head in Jenny's direction.

"What?" Molly asked, shock was clear in her voice.

"Oh fuck, you didn't know that she got that tattoo with Carmen?" Molly moved her eyes from Jenny to me. "I'm sorry" She bent down and grabbed the shirts before walking out of the room.

"What does she mean?" I closed the closet and thought over my answer.

Fuck Jenny, I love you and you're my best friend, but fuck you for this.

I turned back to Molly and indicated for her to take a seat on the bed, I took one beside her.

"We got matching tattoos about six months into our relationship" She nodded before looking away.

"Wow, what was Carmen to you Shane?" I gave her a confused look. "I mean I know that she was your longest relationship, but getting matching tattoo's is big" I nodded.

"We were engaged" I couldn't even look at Molly while I told the story; we had been together for almost a year I should have done this sooner. "I left her at the altar" I shook my head, still ashamed at what I had done.

"Wow Shane, I have no idea what to say" I took one of her hands into my own, getting her to look at me.

"I wasn't ready then, I thought I was but I wasn't and in the end I hurt her really badly. That's not what's going to happen with you and me though" She let out a small laugh before interlocking out fingers.

"We're not engaged Shane, we're in a relationship" I nodded.

"I know, but I just want you to know that I am not just going to run out on you" She gave me a small smile. "I love what we have...I love you"

"I love you too" I leaned in and kissed her before she leaned her head on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry you found out like this" I felt her shrug.

"It's okay" Silence took over. "Do you still lover her?" I hesitated for a second, not knowing the right answer.

"I think I always will" She lifted her head and looked at me for a second before nodding.

"I understand that" I gave her a thankful smile. "Have you talked to her since?"

"No, I tried once but her cousins made sure I didn't get anywhere near her" She gave me a sympatetic smile.

"I'm sorry" I shook my head.

"I don't blame them, I got what I deserved that day" She shook her head.

"Please don't beat yourself up, what you did was wrong but what's done is done and it's in the past" I nodded with a small smile.

I didn't want to argue with her, but the truth is I would never forgive myself for what I did to Carmen...I don't expect her to ever forgive me either, I don't ever deserve it.

-  
>Later that night we were getting ready for opening night at Hit, I walked out of my room and opened the door. Alice walked in with a smile, she was willing to go with us because Jenny wasn't going to be with us.<p>

"Hey, are you guys ready?" She asked as she closed the door.

"Yeah" I answered as I threw on my blazer. "Molly!"

She walked out of my room and made her way to us, put her earring on as she did.

"Do you know who's performing tonight?" She asked Alice.

"No, Kit said she left it to her MC, uh...Sunsetbolavard" Molly looked at me and I gave her a small shrug.

"West Hollywood, what can I say" Her and Alice laughed before we walked out of the house.

-  
>I parked my jeep and we got out, as we stepped out we saw Bette and Tina getting out of their car.<p>

"Hey" Alice called and they turned to us.

"Hey" They said before they made their way over to us.

We shared hugs, before we began to make our way to the entrance.

"Where's Tasha?" Bette asked, we turned to Alice.

"She's going to meet us here later" She answered with a small smile.

We walked into the club and I have to say it looked fantastic, the club was rocking and everyone looked like they were having a great time.

Before we could even find a table Kit grabbed me and stopped all of us.

"Hey Kit, this place looks-"She cut me off.

"We didn't know she was going to be here" I frowned at her.

"What?" I was so confused.

"We swear Shane, we didn't know" I turned my confused eyes to Helena. "Sunset said the original DJ she had backed out at the last second and she had to call in a couple of contacts and that's how she got her" Now I began to feel the confusion get taken over with fear.

"Baby girl, she didn't come in until a half an hour ago" I took a breath before asking my question, as I began to removed my arms from Kit's grip.

"Who?" Kit and Helena looked at each other before answering, at the same time.

"Carmen" My heart clenched.

She's here, right here, so close and so far at the same time. I looked passed people for the DJ booth and then I saw her. She was rocking the floor the only way she could, she looks amazing. Her hair is longer, a couple of highlights that made her look fantastic. I felt my heart begin to speed up and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it.

"Oh" Alice said.

"My" Tina continued.

"God" Bette finished.

My thoughts exactly.


	3. Two years of catching up

**Disclaimer: I do not own anyone from the L Word**

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews and encorugement I really love knowing what you guys think, thank you! Love forever and always.**

**CARMEN POV**

When I moved away from West Hollywood, I had gone to New York to live with some family friends of ours. When I was there I would DJ a few parties and clubs, till I ran into Russell Simmons he told me to come into his studio. I produced a few songs for him and with him, it was amazing. He hooked me up with a huge party one night that was the night I took my first bump. Before I knew it I was doing bumps at every party and shooting up when my set was over. The day I realized I was developing a problem with alcohol was the day I walked out of the bar and the sun was rising, I was so shit faced that day I can't tell you how I got home. The day I realized drugs were becoming a problem was when my mother walked in on me and I didn't give a fuck. The day I realized I was an addict was when I walked into the studio high out of my mind and got fired. I should have stopped doing this, but I'm hooked and it feels so good.

So this is how I support my addiction, I DJ when I can and wherever I can. The money has always been good; if I'm lucky it's also a good place to get a few free hits.

I picked up a shot glass that was beside me, vodka, and downed it.

"Since when do you do shots when you DJ" I heard a familiar voice say, way too familiar.

I raised my eyes from the turn tables and saw Bette Porter standing in front of me, with the rest of the girls behind her...Well all of them except Jenny and _HER._

"It doesn't affect me, so it doesn't affect the music" I said with a small laugh, I let a track play before moving away from the table.

As soon as I was in front of her she pulled me into a hug.

"It's so good to see you Carmen, we've missed you" I squeezed her a little tighter at the words.

"I missed you guys too" She pulled back and my eyes found Alice.

Before she pulled me into a hug I could see the regret she had in her eyes, regret from the day she had to pull the trigger.

"I am so sorry, I really wish I never had to do it" I nodded against her shoulder.

"It's okay, it's not your fault and I never blamed you" We pulled back, but kept our arms around each other. We gave each other a smile before pulling away completely.

I smiled at Tina and opened my arms, she shook her head with a smile before walking into my arms.

"Hey lady" She laughed.

"Hey yourself, I'm so happy to see you" I pulled back and smiled at her.

"Is that Carmen Morales I see" We all turned and there stood Jenny.

"Oh my God, is that the author of Lez Girls Jenny Schecter" I put a hand over my heart and acted star struck. "The book based on all our lives?"

"Its fiction" I looked at Alice and let out a laugh at the sarcastic tone.

"Why do you have to do that Alice?" Her big blue eyes looked over my shoulder at Alice.

"Why do you have to be such a bitch Jenny?" Alice threw one more smile at me before walking away.

I glance at Bette and Tina before looking over at Jenny again.

"Come here" I said as I opened my arms again.

She hugged me tightly; once we pulled away she left without a word.

"What the hell just happened?" The two lovers looked at each other before turning back to me.

"You read the book" Bette answered with a shrug, I nodded.

"And Alice was working on a treatment for a screenplay and apparently Jenny told her it was shit and then stole it from her" I looked at Tina in complete shock.

"Wow, when did Jenny become such a..." I trailed off, not knowing the words to use.

"Cold calculated manipulative bitch?" Tina and I both let out a laugh, Bette put it best.

"Yeah" The Jenny I remember was sweet, what happened to her?

"When she became famous" Tina and Bette answered at the same time.

"Listen I gotta get back to work, but I want to hear all about Angelica and what's been going on with you guys for the last two years" I said as I moved behind the table once more.

"Yeah of course, we have a booth in the back" Bette pointed over her shoulder, to somewhere in the back. "You can't miss us...Alice is there" I laughed; I didn't know how much I missed these guys till now.

"Is uh...Is she with you guys?" It was time I asked the question, I'm sure they were waiting for me to do it.

"Yeah and she's with someone" I looked away and let out a small laugh.

"Like that's new" I shrugged, I thought the thought of her with someone else was going to kill me but I didn't feel anything. Did I do enough drugs to numb everything?

"She's been with her for almost a year" Alright that hurt a little, guess I'm not numb.

She's moved on with someone, probably more than one before she met this girl.

"I hope you guys warn her" Was the last thing I said before putting the head phones back on, fuck I need a hit.

**-  
>SHANE POV<strong>

I saw them all talk to Carmen; I saw that beautiful smile grace her lips. From the corner of my eye I knew Molly was watching me watch her, I don't want to hurt Molly but I can't help myself. After what I did in Whistler I never thought I would see her again, if it wasn't for tonight it probably would have never happened.

"Are you going to be okay?" She placed a hand on my arm, making me look at her.

"Yeah" I took her hand and gave her a small smile.

"Are you sure? We can leave if you want" I shook my head.

"No, I want to be here to support Kit and Helena" She nodded.

I put a smile on my face when I saw Alice making her way to us.

"God, I really hate her" She plopped down beside me and slammed her purse down on the table.

"Are you ever going to let this shit with Jenny go?" She glared at me, causing Molly to laugh.

"If she ever admits that she fucking stole my treatment" She looked back in Carmen's direction before turning back to me. "Are you going to talk to Carmen?"

"I don't think she wants me to talk to her" I leaned forward and folded my arms on the table.

"She's going to come here Shane" There was a small amount of annoyance in her voice.

"Alice, I'll deal with it when it happens" I leaned back again, patting my pockets and pulling out a box of cigarettes. "I need a smoke"

I got up and began to make my way to the exist, all the while feeling Molly's eyes on me. As I was walking I saw Bette and Tina moving away from Carmen and then it happened. It was like everything went slow, she looked up and our eyes connected but only for a second.

It was in that second, that split second, I had seen the damage I had done that day. Those once, warm and love filled, brown eyes were cold. I had hurt her before, when I fucked Cherie Jaffe, but I had never once seen her eyes like that.

I continued to make my way outside, I leaned against the wall and pulled out a cigarette and lit it. I want to talk to her, I want to tell her how sorry I am for what I did to her, for what I put her through...But did she care enough to actually hear it?

**-  
>CARMEN POV<strong>

Our eyes connected and I had to look away, there was some intensity in her green eyes that I couldn't read. I was done with my set a few minutes after that, I handed the head phones to Sunset and moved away.

I had made sure to hide my problem every time I went out, like wearing long sleeves to hide the track marks. It helped me get jobs and for the most part keep them, especially if the boss cared and Sunset cared.

I made my way over to the bar; if I was going to deal with her I wasn't going to do it sober.

"Two tequila shots" The bartender placed them in front of me, I licked the salt of my hand and down the shots before sucking the lime. "Two more" Once I got them I downed them just as fast.

I turned and scanned the crowed, hoping to find someone that is giving out hits. I've been doing this shit long enough to know that there is always someone doing something, finally my hazy eyes landed on a guy. I caught him snorting something, I smiled to myself. I looked over to Bette and the girls; I made sure that they were busy with each other before I began to make my way over to the guy.

"How much for a hit?" He looked at me before looking me up and down.

"50" I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

"A 50 for one hit?" I asked as I dug into my pocket, I pulled out some cash and counted it quickly before putting the extra back.

He pulled out a mini spoon, and then a tiny bag with some coke left and put it on the spoon. I took it from him and snorted it.

"I'm so desperate" I said as I wiped my nose. "That I would have paid a 100" I gave him a small smirk before walking away.

I took breath and blinked my eyes a few times to clear them before walking over to the girls, as I walked over I saw two girls that I didn't recognize. One was with Alice, she had her arm around Alice so I'm assuming that she's not Shane's new girl...She didn't look like Shane's type either. Then my eyes found another girl, she was cute and alone she had to be with Shane.

"Carmen, hey" I looked at Alice and smiled, she waved me over and I took a seat between Tina and the angry looking girl beside Alice. "Carmen, this is my girlfriend Tasha Williams" I looked at Tasha and offered a smile, it was returned. "Tasha, this is an old friend of ours Carmen Morales"

Realization washed over her face at my name, I maybe drunk and a little high but I know that look. Good to know that they still talk about Whistler.

"It's nice to meet you" She extended her hand.

"Nice to meet you too" I shook her hand. I saw her eyes narrow when our eyes locked; I frowned slightly before smiling and pulling away.

"And this is Molly Kroll" I turned my eyes to the girl that Bette just introduced. "She's Shane's uh..." Bette was hesitant, good to know things never change Bette was always the protector.

"Girlfriend, I'm Shane's girlfriend" She extended her hand and I shook it.

I was about to respond but I stopped when I saw Shane move behind Molly. Her eyes were on mine and mine on hers, everyone else was looking at both of us.

"It's nice to meet you Molly" Breaking the silence and moving my eyes back to Molly. "I'm Carmen, Shane's ex fiancé" I locked my eyes with Shane as I finished my sentence.

Silence took over the table once again, we stared each other down.

"Hi Carmen" Her voice was low; I could barely hear it over the music.

I looked at her for a little longer before shaking my head and looking away.

"So what are you guys doing here, I thought you would be at the Planet?" I leaned back in the booth.

"Kit owns this place" Bette answered after a moment.

"And so does Helena" Alice added in.

"Really?" I asked, kind of shocked.

"Really baby girl" I looked up, I knew that voice anywhere.

"Kit!" I got up and hugged her right away.

"It is so good to see you" I could hear the smile in her voice.

"Yes it is" I pulled back and looked beside me and saw Helena smiling at me.

"Oh my God, you guys look amazing" I pulled Helena into a hug. "I am so sorry about all the money that you put into Whistler" She pulled away from me.

"Don't. Don't" She said firmly but with a smile. "It was never your fault"

**-  
>SHANE POV<strong>

She just apologized for Whistler, she apologized for the fucked up thing I did. I shouldn't be surprised; Carmen has always been an amazing person.

I couldn't blame her for hating me, I wanted to talk to her but I can tell she'll never give me the time of day...Doesn't mean I won't try, I owe her that much.

I felt Molly take my hand, I looked at her and smiled softly and she returned it.

"So what's been going on with you Carmen?" Tina asked her.

"Well I moved to New York and lived with my mom's friend for a while, then I ran into Russell Simmons" She turned to Kit as she finished her sentence.

"Really? That must have been great" Kit said with a huge smile.

"Yeah it was, he offered me a job at his studio as a producer" Wow it was everything she ever wanted.

"That's great Carmen" I said, trying to make an effort and she didn't even look at me.

"So what are you doing back in LA?" Alice asked, trying to get passed the awkward moment.

"I quit the studio job" She answered with a small shrug.

"What, why?" Bette asked in shock. "I thought this was what you worked for?" It is what she's worked for, why would she quit?

"Yeah it was, but I just preferred to be here" She indicated to the club. "I love the energy I get from the people"

We nodded understanding that she had her reasons.

"So guys, you'll never believe who Tasha and I saw the other day" We turned our attention to Alice. "Papi"

"Are you serious?" I asked, I thought that girl fell off the face of the earth.

"Yeah, I went to her place and Alice followed me" That got a laugh from us.

"Wait" Carmen spoke up. "Papi, Eva Torres?" She asked Tasha and Alice, how did she know Papi?

"You know Papi?" Alice took the words from me.

"Papi, wow I can't believe she still calls herself that" Carmen shifted to get more comfortable. "You remember how I told you that story about skipping prom for that Porn Festival that was in town?" Alice nodded. "Eva went with me and taught me how to-"Alice cut her off.

"69" Fuck you Papi. "Oh my God Eva Torres, I can't believe I didn't put two and two together"

"I can't believe you didn't put it together" Bette's voice held a small laugh before she sipped her drink.

"She told me about that night when we first met" Tasha said with a laugh.

"That was a good night" They laughed with Carmen, I felt my stomach turn at the thought of Papi and Carmen.

"Let's get a round of shots, yeah?" Helena asked as she called over the waitress, no one protested.

Soon enough two shots glasses, vodka, were placed in front of all of us. Carmen downed both of hers before anyone could say cheers.

**-  
>CARMEN POV<strong>

Oh that hit the spot, I looked down at my phone to check the time. Making it look like I had a reason to leave, but I just couldn't be around Shane anymore.

"I have to get going guys" I stood up, stumbling slightly but catching myself.

"Are you sure you can make it home?" I turned my eyes to Molly, I wasn't sure if she was being genuine or sarcastic.

"Yeah Molly, thanks" I knew my voice held malice, but maybe I was a little too drunk to give a shit.

"Don't be a stranger okay, we really o miss you" Tina said as she stood up to hug me goodbye.

"I won't" I slurred out.

I gave the girls a hug before moving away from the booth. I was almost at the door when I felt a hand on my wrist; I turned and saw Shane looking at me. I tore my hand away from her.

"Can we talk, please?" Even in my drunken and high haze, I could see the need in her eyes.

"You want to talk now, two years later you want to talk?" I let out a laugh, while shaking my head. Then the laughter died and I got serious. "I wanted to talk when I was waiting in that fucking tent for you, now you can go fuck yourself" I turned and walked away from her.


	4. Broken Memory

**Disclaimer: I do not own anyone from the L Word**

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews and encorugement I really love knowing what you guys think, thank you! Love forever and always.**

**CARMEN POV**

Soft, feather light, kisses on my bare shoulder woke me up; I could feel a smile forming on my face as my eyes fluttered open.

"I like waking up like this" I felt her smile against my skin; she moved her lips away from my shoulder and on to my neck.

"Me too" She whispered against my neck.

I turned in her arms so I could face her, her green eyes smiled at me before her lips did. She lifted her head off the pillow and leaned in to kiss me, our lips moving smoothly together. I parted my lips and let her tongue in but only for a moment, I pulled away before it could get heated.

"Shane, I have to go" I spoke against her lips.

"Why?" She frowned.

"I have to PA at some music video" I kissed her once more before turning around, I was about to sit up when she pulled me back down and into her.

"Fuck it, just stay here" I laughed, her lips made their way onto my naked back.

I'm so in love with Shane and I love knowing she feels the same way, we've been together for two months and things are going pretty great. A month ago Jenny left to go to Skokie to get some help and I knew Shane was missing her, whatever time we spent together I tried to take her mind off Jenny.

Mark is moving out this month and that leaves Shane alone in this house, it worries me more than I want to admit. I know that she's an adult and can take care of herself, that's not what worries me because I know that Bette and Tina are next door if she ever needed help. The thoughts that run through her head is what worries me, Shane likes to put herself down but it stops when I'm around...I don't want her to think bad about herself, I don't want her to do anything stupid when she's alone with her thoughts.

"Mmm" My voice held a sigh when her lips touched that spot on my neck that melts me. "I really have to go, I start in like..." I lifted my head and looked at the alarm clock, it read '8:30'. "Two hours"

"Two hours?" I nodded. "Then why do you have to leave now?"

"Well" I turned my head to face her. "I have to go home and take a shower, change and then head to my mother's for breakfast, because she's complaining about not seeing me for like a week" Shane laughed at that, I complain about my mom a lot but she knows that I love her more than anything.

"What an effort" I laughed.

"Yeah, you're telling me but it's worth it for nights like last night" She smiled at me before kissing me, I pulled back again. "Okay, now I really have to go" I started to move away from her again.

"Wait" She pulled me back again. "I really want to talk to you about something"

"Shane-"I started, but she cut me off.

"I really need to talk to you about it, please?" I relaxed in her arms and nodded. "You know how Mark is moving out" I nodded again. "And I don't know when Jenny is going to be back, with both of them gone I won't be able to make rent" She shifted before continuing. "So, I was wondering if you wanted to move in with me"

"What?" To say that I was in shock would be putting it lightly; I turned in her arms again to face her.

"Do you want to move in with me?" She asked again, her voice held a softness I didn't hear often.

"Are you asking me to move in only to help you with rent?" I was fine if that was the reason why, but I wanted to know what the reason was.

"No, I want you to move in with me because I love you and I love what we have" Her green orbs held love; I had only seen them like that one other time. Two months ago when she told me she loved me for the first time.

"I love you too" I leaned in and kissed her, forgetting that I had a job to get to. I placed my hand on her cheek as we pulled back.

"Having you help me with rent wouldn't hurt either" We both laughed, I slapped her arm playfully.

"Way to ruin the moment" I said with a laugh.

"So, will you?" I looked past her, considering the pros and cons quickly. I looked back at her and pros outweighed the cons automatically.

"Yes" She smiled at me before pulling me into a hug.

I pulled away from her and kissed her once more before sitting up in the bed, I started to pull my clothes back on all the while feeling her eyes on me.

"This is going to be great Shane" I leaned across the bed and kissed her once more.

_BUZZ...BUZZ...BUZZ_

My cell vibrating beside me woke me up from the broke memory, I patted the bed till my hand landed on the phone. I tried to focus my eyes on the caller ID.

"Sunset, it's way too early" I mumbled out.

"Sugar, it's almost one in the afternoon" I lifted my head and looked over at the alarm clock.

"Fuck" I mumbled before sitting up. "Were you giving me a wakeup call or...?" I really hated being woken up from my sleep.

"Kit wants you to meet her at the Planet" I ran a hand through my hair and shook my head.

"When?" I stood up and began to make my way to the bathroom.

"As soon as you can" I winced at my reflection.

"Alright" I hung up before Sunset could say anything more.

I took a closer look at myself in the mirror, dark circles under my eyes, sunk in eyes, an all around worn out look on my face.

It had been almost two weeks since I had seen the girls at Hit; it was really nice seeing them I really had missed them. Tina told me not to be a stranger, at least I think it was Tina kind of hard to remember, but I couldn't help it. Every time I thought about seeing the girls I thought about seeing Shane, when I see Shane I see myself in that fucking dress...Alone.

I know that when I go see Kit she's going to want me to spin for her, if could afford to blow it off I would, but rent is coming up and I spent my last paycheque on drugs and alcohol. Unfortunately I need the money, Jessie moved out last week and now I'm on my own.

I walked back into my room and went over to the bedside table, I opened the top drawer and pulled out a needle and a small bag of black tar heroin. I moved to the back of my room door and grabbed the belt hanging from there. I gathered everything and moved into the kitchen, I grabbed a spoon from the drawer before reaching for the heroin again. I put the amount I needed into the spoon and placed it down, I picked up the belt and tightened it around the bend of my arm. I lifted the spoon up and then a lighter that was on the counter, I lit it and waited. As soon as it was dissolved I grabbed the needle and put the tip into it and pulled the plunger back till the needle was filled with the drug of choice.

I closed my hand into a fist before placing the tip of the needle near my vain; I took a deep breath and pushed it in. I let it sit for a moment before pushing the plunger down, I felt my body hum as the drug invaded my system. I grabbed the chair at the dinner table and sat down, the crappiness I felt this morning went away with the drug. This is why I love the high.

I stood up once I was sure my legs would hold me, I made my way to the bathroom and got ready to head out. I changed into shorts and a tight fitting long sleeve shirt; I grabbed my black sunglasses and headed out. I was going to have to walk there, not because it would be safe, but I just couldn't find my car keys.

**-  
>SHANE POV<strong>

"So my mother wants us to have breakfast with her tomorrow" I looked at Molly with a raise of my eyebrow and a small smirk.

"Us?" I asked and she laughed. "Why?"

"I don't know why, but please say you'll go because I really don't want to have to deal with her on my own" I laughed, wrapping my arm around her shoulder.

"I would never let you deal with your mother alone" She gave me a small smile.

I leaned forward in my chair and kissed her, I felt her cup my cheek as she kissed me back. She opened her mouth and let my tongue in, before I could deepen it more a voice interrupted us.

"Come on, public place Shane" I broke the kiss and glared at Alice. "I mean I know this is WeHo and we're in the Planet, but come on"

"Fuck off Al" I said with a small smirk, she returned it.

"Hey guys" Our eyes turned to the new voices, Bette and Tina.

"Hey" Molly greeted back, Alice and I smiled at them.

"Where's my earth child?" Alice asked as she got comfortable in her chair.

"With Kit and Helena" Bette answered before taking a sip of her coffee.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back" Molly kissed me before heading off.

I smiled at her retreating form, but the smile didn't last when Tina began to speak.

"Have you guys heard anything from Carmen since Hit?" I moved my eyes to the floor.

"No, I really missed her" Alice said.

"Yeah, it was really great seeing her" I heard Tina say as I turned my eyes back to the girls, Alice was staring at me

"What?" My voice held some harshness, she gave me a look and I knew what she was asking. "Alice, I already told you that I tried to talk to her and she told me to fuck off"

"As she should have" I looked over at Bette, that hurt but I knew it was true. "I'm sorry, I love you Shane you know I do but what you did to Carmen..." She trailed off.

"I know" I gave her a nod before looking away again.

I was thankful when Molly made her way back over to us.

"Ready to go?" She asked as she picked her purse up.

"Yeah" I stood up.

"Where are you guys going?" Tina asked.

"Back to the house" The three of them threw us smirks. "Just to hang out"

"Right Shane, because every time you're alone with a girl you 'hang out'" Alice finished it with air quotes.

"No Alice, we really are just hanging out" Molly said with a small laugh as she interlocked our fingers. "Come on"

We said our byes and headed out the door, just as we were stepping out...

**CARMEN POV**

I was stepping in; I looked her before turning my eyes to Molly. She gave me a timid smile and I returned it, I don't have anything against this girl in fact I feel sorry for her. I can see how in love she is with Shane; it's just a matter of time before Shane rips her heart apart.

"Hey Carmen" I just looked at Shane as I walked into the Planet, if only she could see the glare in my eyes.

I walked into the cafe and looked around for Kit, I could see her anywhere.

"Carmen!" I turned and saw the girls sitting at their regular table.

I smiled at them and made my way over, taking a seat beside Alice.

"Where have you been? We see you like two weeks ago and then you just disappear again" I let out a laugh before placing my hand on Alice's shoulder, hoping to calm her down.

"I'm sorry, things just came up" The three gave me a nod.

"Kind of like when you moved away and wouldn't answer our calls" I looked over at Bette, with what I'm sure is a sad smile.

"I'm sorry about that, I just couldn't...I couldn't..." I didn't know how to finish my sentence, but I didn't have to they gave me an understanding nod.

"We get it" Tina said after sipping her tea. "We just wanted you to know that we were there for you"

"I know" I gave them a smile.

"Carmen?" I turned my head and smiled at the person standing in front of me.

"Max" I stood up and smiled at him, we gave each other an awkward hug. "You look good" I patted his shoulder before sitting down.

"Thanks, it's really good to see you" He took a seat on the other side of me.

"Hey guys" I looked up and saw Alice's girlfriend, Tasha I think, standing in front of us.

We all greeted her as she took a seat beside Bette.

"Bette, where's Kit?" I asked as I looked around.

"In her office" Bette answered as she pointed me in the direction.

"Alright, I'm going to go talk to her and I'll be back" I stood up and my head began to spin.

"Are you okay?" Tasha asked, I looked at her before nodding with a small smile.

I gathered myself before I started walking; I knocked on the door and opened it after I heard 'Come in'.

"Hey" Kit and Helena both smiled at me.

"Hey girl" Kit stood up and pulled me into a hug.

"How are you Carmen?" Helena asked from her seat.

"I'm doing great" I looked down when a movement caught my attention.

Sitting on the ground next to Kit's desk was Angelica; she had grown up so much and she's so beautiful.

"Oh my gosh, she's so big" I nodded my head to the little girl.

"Yeah, Angelica" She looked up at Kit and me. "This is an old friend of ours, can you say hi?"

She looked at me and gave me a small wave.

"Hi Angelica" I wave right back, she shyly looked away.

"Alright, I'm going to take her to Mama T and Mama B" Helena bent down and picked Angelica up. "So, Kit can talk to you" She gave me a smile as she walked passed us, closing the door.

"You gonna keep those sunglasses on? We're in an office" I laughed, it was forced. I need to come up with a believable answer.

"Trust me, you don't want to see these eyes they look horrible today" She laughed as she walked back to her seat, I took a seat in front of her.

"So, what's going on?" I asked with a small smile, leaning back in my seat.

"I want DJ Sugar back" I let out a laugh and shook my head.

"Kit..." I put up a small protest, I don't want to sound desperate...But I am.

"Come on Carmen, you know this is going to be great" She leaned forward on her seat, folding her hands on her desk. "It's been a long time since someone rocked a dance floor the way you did two weeks ago" I gave her a hesitant look. "This is how it would work, Hit will be Monday's and Thursday's and the Planet will be Tuesday's, Wednesday's and Friday's"

"The pay's going to be good?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Of course" Her face held a big smile.

"Alright!" I slapped her desk. "I'm in"

"I knew you would be!" She stood up and I followed, she pulled me into a tight hug. "This is going to be great"

"I'm sure" I said with a laugh, pulling back.

We talked a little longer before I left her office.

"Hey Carmen" I turned and smiled at Jenny.

"Hey Jenny" I walked up to her. "Why aren't you sitting with them?" I nudged my head to the girls.

"Alice doesn't want me there and I'd rather not deal with her right now" She answered with a shrug, taking a bite out of her scone. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm going to be spinning for Kit again" I ran a hand through my hair as I answered her.

"Wow, that's great" I gave her a small smile.

"I'm glad I ran into you, I know my mom picked up most of my stuff when I moved out" Jenny nodded. "But she forgot a couple of boxes of records and mixes, I was wondering if I could pick them up?"

"Yeah of course, I'm going back to the house now to meet up with my girlfriend. Why don't you come with me?" She got off her chair and put her bag over her shoulder.

"I can't today I don't have my car with me" She shrugged again.

"I'll drive you home after" I gave her a smile.

"Thanks Jenny" She nodded with a smile. "So you have a girlfriend?" I asked with a smile, before we could walk.

"Yeah, Nikki Stevens" Why did that name sound so familiar to me? Then it hit me.

"The actress?" She nodded with a huge smile.

"Yeah, a really step up from you, huh?" My smile faltered as she laughed and walked passed me, patting my shoulder.

No wonder they all think she's a bitch.

I watched Jenny leave as I walked over to the girls.

"Alright, I'm gonna head out and I'll see you guys when I do" I was about to walk away when Tina stopped me.

"Hold on, number please" She held her phone out to me.

I let out a laugh, I looked at the phone but it was hazy and I couldn't tell the numbers apart, the high was starting to come down.

"Alright, but can you put it in? We'll be here for a year if I do it" Tina laughed but nodded. "(323) 143-2311" I saw the other Bette, Alice and Max putting in the number as I said it out loud.

I said my goodbyes and headed out to Jenny's, very nice and expensive looking, car.

**-  
>CARMEN POV<strong>

It wasn't long before we were in front of the house I once called home, Jenny got out and I followed. I had to keep myself stable as we walked to the front door, my head was spinning and my heart was racing...I'm not sure if it's because of the drugs or if it's all the memories that are hitting me.

"Shane's home?" I asked when I spotted her jeep.

"She might be" She answered as she put her key into the lock.

I really hoped she wasn't, I don't want to see her and I don't want her to try and talk to me...It's just not something I want to have to deal with.

Jenny swung the door open and I had to look away as soon as we walked in. There on the couch was a topless Shane on top of a topless Molly; I heard movement and I knew they jumped apart.

"Shit!" I heard Shane curse. "I'm sorry" Was she talking to me or Jenny?

"Couldn't wait long enough to get to the bedroom?" My voice held bitterness.

I looked back at them and saw Molly pulling her top on, Shane opened her mouth to say something but Jenny cut her off.

"The boxes are in the attic, the attic door is in my closet" I nodded and walked away before Shane had a chance to say anything.

**SHANE POV**

"Jenny" She looked away from Carmen's retreating form to look at me. "What is she doing here?" I stood up and put my belt back on.

"She's picking up some of the stuff that her mother forgot" I ran a frustrated hand through my hair.

"You couldn't call and let me know?" Is Jenny trying to destroy any chance I have to get Carmen to talk to me?

"I didn't know you were going to be home" She answered me as if I was a child. "Even if you I knew you were home, why would you being doing _that_ on the couch?"

"Shane, calm down" Molly said standing up, placing a hand on my waist. "It's alright, she saw us making out so what?"

"I didn't want her to see that" I answered Molly, but kept my eyes on Jenny.

"Why?" I turned my eyes to Molly and realized that I had no idea how to answer, why do I care?

"I don't want to hurt her more than I already have" She gave me a small nod and looked away, I don't think she believes me...I don't know if I believe me.

We turned when we heard footsteps coming our way, Carmen walked in both her arms had a box under each one. She didn't look at me as she walked out the door; I didn't hesitate to follow her out.

"Carmen, please wait" She put the boxes in the backseat of Jenny's car before turning to me sharply.

"Let me ask you something" I shut my mouth. "How long did you wait after dumping my ass?" I winced at the words.

"What do you mean?" I asked her softly.

"How long did you wait before you fucked another girl?" Shit, how do I answer that?

"Three months" I mumbled, Carmen laughed it held bitterness and sarcasm.

"Three fucking months" She ran a hand through her hair. "Molly?"

"No, a women named Paige" I looked away, not able to look in her eyes anymore.

"You break her heart?" I nodded; I looked up when Jenny stepped beside her. "How?"

"She cheated" I shot a look at Jenny; she gave me an apologetic smile before getting in the car.

"Well, at least you didn't leave her at the altar" Carmen shot me a sarcastic smile and shook her head before she got into the car and the two drove off.

I turned to go back into the house when I saw Molly leaning against the door.

"Have I just been wasting my time all these months?" I gave her a confused look, all the while moving closer to her. "Because lately it feels like I have" I stopped in front of her.

"What are you talking about Molly?" She moved her eyes away from mine, shaking her head.

"Ever since Carmen came back, it feels like this huge...Weight has come down on our relationship" She took a shaky breath, I looked at her and saw her fighting tears. "I need to know Shane, am I a replacement for her, were you just waiting for her to get home so you could try it all over again?"

"No!" I took her hands in to mine. "Molly, I really screwed up with her and I want...I want-I need to make things right with her, the guilt of what I did to her has been eating at me for the last two years and I need to close that chapter in my life" I took a second to think over what I was about to say. "I need to do it for me...And for her, I owe her that much" Molly nodded, but I could see the hesitation in her eyes. "But I am not leaving you, you were never a replacement for me and you never will be" I put a hand on her cheek to make her look me in the eyes.

"I believe you Shane, but it's just what I've been feeling" I nodded before I put my forehead against hers.

"I know and I'm so sorry for making you feel like that" I pulled away from her and locked our eyes. "I love you Molly'

"I love you too Shane" I kissed her deeply; once we broke I pulled her into an embrace.

**-  
>CARMEN POV<strong>

Three fucking months, I picked up the bottle of vodka in front of me and poured some into a shot glass-downing it, that's how long she waited before fucking someone else. Another shot. In those same three months I cried myself to sleep every night and questioned what I did wrong ever morning, hell that lasted at least six months. Another shot. In those six months she was probably fucking every girl that she walked passed. Another shot. I hate that this shit still affects me, I hate that she can still fuck with my heart and my head. Shot. I don't love her. Shot. I don't love her. Shot. I don't love her. Shot. I hate that I ever fell in love with her. Shot.


End file.
